Rover
by jibber59
Summary: "Yo, Javi! Where you at?" What if Ryan's crew didn't make it to the docks on time? Alt ending to The Wild Rover. This is my first Castle story, so please, be kind!
1. Chapter 1

_Welcome to my first venture into Castle's world. I haven't tread these waters before, but after watching The Wild Rover again (for like the millionth time!) this little plot bunny came to mind, and I simply had no choice. For reasons that become obvious, it slips away from the canon Castle world, but not terribly far. All the regulars are here, at least in passing reference. Still, a few liberties are being taken with the story line, but as Mark Twain said, "Never let the facts get in the way of a good story". Or, to "Castle-ize" it, "Don't ruin my story with your logic."_

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He desperately hoped he was right, that his call to Javi went through. Because if not, this was going to be a very short, and somewhat embarrassing conversation. Not that he'd have to live with that embarrassment for too long.

"My name's not Fenton. It's Kevin Ryan, and I'm a cop."

Bobby S. stared at him. "A cop?"

"And I'm placing the three of you under arrest."

"That'll be a hell of a trick considering Liam is about to shoot you and your girlfriend."

Kevin swiveled to look at his would-be assassin. "Wait a second Liam. Before you do that, let me ask you a question. Where's your cell phone?"

Liam looked at him in complete confusion.

"Remember when we tussled back in the hallway? I picked your pocket. And then when you weren't looking I dialed my partner and left the line open."

"No way."

He turned back to Bobby. "He heard exactly where we were going."

Bobby didn't want to believe any of this. "Liam?"

"He's full of crap Bobby. He's bluffing."

"Oh, am I? Why don't we meet my partner? Yo! Javi. Where you at?"

The silence was deafening. Shit. They weren't here yet. Kevin looked at the terror in Siobhan's eyes, and knew that he wasn't couldn't just go down without a fight. It would be a losing one, but he had to try something. With a quick silent prayer that Jenny would someday forgive him, he spun quickly and leveled a flying kick at Liam Finch's hand, sending the gun flying. He shouted to Siobhan to run, but couldn't see if she listened, or was even able to react. One gun shot rang out, but the searing pain in his arm gave him a moment of reassurance that she hadn't been the target. He heard a scuffle, and a loud grunt from behind him, which he could only hope meant she was getting in a few punches of her own. God knows, she was feisty enough.

Liam was diving for the gun that had fallen, and Kevin jumped for it as well. They both had hand a hand on it and fought for possession. Kevin felt something dig into his back as the two men rolled on the ground, each knowing it was literally a life and death struggle. Another shot rang out, skimming the pavement mere inches from where they fought. Liam looked up, stunned. Why would Bobby S. take that shot? It was too close, and he almost had this dumb-ass cop under control. "Damn Bobby! You coulda-"

The distraction was enough for Kevin to take the advantage. He kneed Finch. With both men on the ground the force wasn't has strong as he would have liked, but being that close, his aim was perfect. Finch let loose of the gun, and Kevin grabbed it, coming up on his knees and aiming it. "Freeze." As he turned his head to see it he could find where Bobby S. was, he felt pain explode in his head when the bullet made contact, and he toppled forward. With a maniacal grin, Finch shoved him the few remaining feet to the edge of the dock and laughed as he kicked him over the edge.

He didn't hear as more shots rang out, or hear his name being cried out.

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"Hang in there Ryan." Castle muttered basically to himself as their car skidded into a stop at the far end of the docks. Esposito was out before the movement had stopped, with Beckett only a step behind. Castle reached for his vest, but watching the others charge off, he decided not to take the time. They were almost there when he heard the first shot, and he put on a burst of speed he didn't imagine he was capable of. He could see the action playing out in front of him like some horrible street theatre. Two men were struggling on the ground, moving further from the cars, and closer to the edge of the docks. There was second shot, and an instant later the fighting stopped as one of the combatants began to stand. The third shot rang out and the man fell forward. Castle shouted out as he saw the body being shoved into the water, but his cries were drowned out by the gunfight that followed.

It lasted only seconds, but they felt like an eternity. He thought he heard another splash as the second body toppled into the river, but in the confusion, it was hard to tell. The only two sounds he could register in the ensuing quiet were the angry curses as Beckett made sure the two men on the ground were both dead, and the anguished cry as Javi called out for Kevin while he ran to the edge of the docks.

"We need lights here. For God's sake, get me some lights. KEVIN – answer me damn it – where are you?"

The next splash he was sure of, as Espo jumped into the chilled water below. He thrashed about, calling out and waiting only seconds between for an answer that wouldn't come. More police cars were arriving, pulling in from the backup positions they had taken behind their own arrival. Rescue search lights were pulled from trunks and aimed onto the water. One froze in place as the beam circled a body floating face down. Javi screamed out as he swam to it, grabbing the floating jacket and flipping it over. The vacant stare that greeted him belonged to Liam Finch.

"Kevin, damn you – where are you?" The lights began searching again, dancing over the water for any sign, any hint that there was someone alive out there.

An hour and a half later, Castle was trying to force feed coffee into Esposito, who sat still shivering slightly under several blankets. Medics wanted him to go to the hospital. Even just 10 minutes in the icy February waters and frigid night air had put him into mild hypothermia. He wasn't budging from the spot. He was still fuming over the fact he had left the water at all but admitted that passing out was not going to help anyone. Searches, in proper diving suits, were still looking. The area was flooded with lights and bustling with activity, but it was unnaturally quiet. None of the banter, none of the casual observations that usually occurred at a crime scene was present.

Castle forced the coffee into the hands of his friend, knowing he wouldn't drink it, but hoping at least the warmth would take the chill off. The gesture wasn't acknowledged. Castle couldn't even be sure the man had noticed. He refocused his attention to Beckett. Her anxiety, her apprehension, manifested itself in a totally different manner. She couldn't sit still. She had supervised the securing of the scene, standing over the bodies of Bobby S. and Finch, looking like she wanted them brought back to life, so she could kill them again. She had watched as Siobhan was loaded into an ambulance. Her wound wasn't serious, but the woman had been unable to stop crying. Kate knew she should try to comfort her, offer her some words of support, but couldn't. As far as she was concerned, the informant was right – this was her fault. All her fault. Had she not been a part of it all, Kevin never would have felt the need – the obligation – to go undercover on such a risky assignment. He wouldn't have left them dangling, out of touch with him for most of the job. He wouldn't have left Jenny, the woman he loved more than life itself, feeling angry and confused.

"And he wouldn't be missing now."

"What?" Castle asked, as he came up beside where she stood looking out at the searchers.

"Sorry, didn't know I'd said that out loud. He shouldn't have been here Castle. I never should have agreed to let him do this job."

He shifted so he was in her line of sight, even though he knew she would just shift herself to look past him. "You didn't agree. You fought against this – remember?"

"Not hard enough. Damn him! And damn her! If Siobhan hadn't been a part of this, he never would have done it. How could he do that to Jenny?"

"He didn't do it to her. You know that Kate. He did it because it was the right thing to do."

She smiled sadly at him. "That's exactly what I said to Jenny. Doesn't sound as noble now somehow."

"What the fuck do you mean you're calling off the search?" Javier's voice silenced all activity on the docks. "You can't do that."

"Detective Esposito, there isn't anything else we can do at this point. Given the water temperatures, and the fact that witness said he was already likely unconscious when he went in –".

"No. You do not tell me he is dead, you hear me? You are not giving up on him." He had tossed aside the blankets and was moving aggressively toward the rescue team captain. "You get your asses back in the water and find him – now. Get the hell out of my way Beckett."

She had moved in to block his advance. "Espo, don't do anything stupid." She turned to look at the captain. "You don't want to be underestimating Detective Ryan."

"No ma'am. But you don't want to underestimate these conditions. Water temp is around 39. He'd be unconscious at best within 30 minutes. Less than that if he was hurt. After that..."

Kate knew what he was saying. If she was willing to be honest with herself, she would admit to knowing it from the moment she realized her youngest partner had hit the water. But knowing it and accepting it were worlds apart. The captain cleared his throat. "We haven't abandoned the search. My men are looking in every nook and cranny they can find. He might have been able to drag himself into a small boat, or onto one of the floating docks or buoys. We haven't given up, but there is no point in searching the waters now. The effort is better focused in other areas." He looked at the missing man's partner. "We won't give up until we find him, one way or another."

Esposito took in a deep breath, trying to settle himself. "Thanks. And I'm sor-"

"Never apologize for caring about your partner." the captain advised as he turned and walked back to the search teams. _I'm gonna really hate confirming the news when we find that body,_ he thought.

Lanie approached Esposito from behind, picking up the blankets from the ground, and silently draping one of them over his shoulders. "You need to get inside somewhere. Do you have any idea how pissed of Kevin is going to be if he has to do all the paperwork on this because you are off sick with a cold, or pneumonia?" He looked at her and tried to smile in response but couldn't. "Come on baby. Let's get you into something warm and dry. We won't leave." She put an arm around him and gently steered him toward the remaining ambulance.

"If they're right, if Kevin is –" she couldn't say it yet, "this is going to destroy him." Beckett spoke softly as she watched them walk away. The anguish radiated from her detective.

Castle turned her face towards his. "No, it won't. We won't let it. I won't let him, or you, go down because of this. Do you know why?"

She put on a brave face. "Because Kevin wouldn't be happy with us?"

"Well, I was going to say because I care about you too much, but your answer is good too."

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Kate stood quietly outside the apartment door. She could hear some movement inside. No doubt Jenny was getting ready for her day, fixing breakfast, packing her lunch. Maybe planning what would be for dinner, or if she needed to do some shopping. The realization that the moment the knock came, that world would end was almost more than Kate could bear.

Castle was downstairs, waiting in the car. He had wanted to come up with her. Offered repeatedly. But this wasn't that kind of moment. Jenny wouldn't want him there. Or Espo. Or anyone really. She would deal with them in time, but Kate was pretty sure that for the first few moments, maybe even hours of this news, Jenny would need the time to herself.

She reached up and knocked lightly. After a few seconds, she realized it likely had been too soft, and was about to rap again when the door opened.

"Kate – what have you heard?" Jenny face showed every emotion. Kevin teased her often that poker would never be her game. She would reply that she had already won the best prize she could hope for and would reach up to kiss him. Kate fought off the tears that threatened to come with that image in her mind.

"Jenny, I need to come in."

"No." She knew what Kate would say once she got inside. If she didn't hear it, then it wasn't true.

"Jenny. Please."

Both women stood their ground for several seconds before the petite blonde woman stepped back and ushered Kate in.

"I have coffee in the machine…" she continued to try to stall the inevitable.

"Jenny –"

"Is it over? Is the case over?" Kate nodded. "Are the bastards dead?" There was no venom in the question, only a resignation.

"Yes."

It was Jenny's turn to nod. It didn't change anything, but she was glad to know that he had justice. There was no guarantee of that through legal channels.

"I don't want to see him. Do I have to do that? To ID…"

"No. You wouldn't have to. I could do that, or Javi. But," she worried her lower lip, unsure of how the shocked woman would react to the next bit of news, "we haven't located his – him."

Jenny's head snapped up. "What? How can you know then? Maybe they're lying. Maybe they didn't really kill him." She gasped slightly as she said it. Kill him. Her husband had been killed.

"It wasn't like that Jenny. His – he fell into the water. We saw it but were too far away to stop it. He'd been shot first. They searched, for hours. At this point, they are still looking for his body." There. She'd said it. His body. That was all that was left of Kevin Ryan now. Not his quick smile, not his distractingly haunting blue eyes, not his impish humour or mild hero worship of Castle. Not his fighting spirit, his Irish pride, his love for his job, his friends, his partners and his wife. That was all gone. She choked back a sob. This was not the time. She would cry later. Right now, this was about Jenny.

"There is no chance?"

Kate wanted more than anything to be able to lie. "The experts say no. It has just been too long."

"He'll never know." She whispered, swiping angrily at the first tear.

"Never know?"

Jenny tried to smile, but it was far too pained a look to be anything close. "I'm pregnant Kate. He's going to be a father."

"Oh God."

Jenny was shaking. "I just found out yesterday. I wanted to tell him – to call him up right away, but I couldn't. I should have found a way Kate. He should have known. He deserved to know that."

"I know. I – I don't know what to say. You won't be alone Jenny. I promise you that."

Jenny lowered her head. "No, I won't. But I won't be here. I can't stay here Kate. I need to be away."

"Of course. You should stay with your parents for a few days, or even longer, and then-"

"No. I can't stay here – in New York. I can't do it. I need to be somewhere else. Maybe with my sister for now."

"Don't make any rash decisions Jenny. This is a shock. All of it. But we will be here-"

"That's the problem Kate. I can't be where you are. You, Rick, Lanie, Javi – oh poor Javi." She had a fleeting twinge of guilt as she realized she wasn't the only one hurting, but her grief extinguished it. "I can't be around the reminders."

This wasn't the time to fight with her on this, or anything. "OK. You do what you need to do. But please, let me know where you will be. Please don't leave us all together." _Please don't take Kevin's child away from us_ , she added to herself.

Jenny read her mind. "You will be the best way for this baby to know all about Kevin. I won't deprive any of you that experience. But that's later. Now, I can't deal with that. I have to do what I need to do for the baby, and that means getting away from everything for now. Can you understand that?"

"Absolutely. After the funeral –"

"No. Tomorrow. I will make arrangements at work, and with my sister in New Haven. I'm not staying here. I can't. Call me a coward, call me ungrateful or disrespectful or anything else. I don't care. I need to think of the baby, and –"

Kate moved to sit beside her, wrapping her in a tight embrace. "You are none of those things Jenny. You are loving, and caring, and you are going to be the mother Kevin's child deserves. Whatever you need to have to do that, we will help with, even if that means staying away."

 ** _tbc_**

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	2. Chapter 2

"Javi, the tie is fine. Leave it alone."

He tugged the knot loose. "Don't need it. This is stupid. I'm not going." Lanie reached over to fix it, and he pulled back. "No."

"You aren't five years old, and this is not like saying I don't want to go to school today. You have to go to the funeral."

"Why? We aren't burying him. They can't have a funeral without a body."

"Fine. Then it's a memorial. Call it whatever makes you happy." She winced at her choice of words, which he picked up on.

"Happy?" He shouted back at her. "None of this makes me happy. Not a single damned thing about this is happy, or right, or the way it should be. There's no body. That ain't right. How does he rest in peace if we don't know where he is? And Jenny won't be there. How can she not be there? How can she just leave – walk away? How the hell can Kevin be dead?" His voice was down to a whisper by the end as he dropped weakly onto the couch.

"Jenny can't handle the stress right now. This was going to be a difficult pregnancy at best, and now, it's even worse. That girl is going to do whatever she has to in order to make sure that there is a healthy little Baby Ryan in seven and a half months from now. And we are going to support that – right?"

"Of course." The thought was almost enough to make him smile. He couldn't wait to see Kevin's baby. He could already picture the piercing blue eyes and hear the happy gurgling laugh that he or she would have. Kevin was going to live on through that baby, and he, along with Castle, Beckett and Lanie were going to make sure the child knew how special their dad was.

Lanie was relieved to hear a bit of spark back in his voice when he said that. Now, to try to deal with the other issue. "And as for resting in peace – if you don't think Kevin is watching you right now, you were not paying attention in Sunday school. You want him to rest, then you do right by him. You be there for him, for his family and for his friends. That means we go through this ceremony, because that's what his parents and his sisters need. Then tonight, we go to The Haunt and have the most Irish of Irish wakes that there has been, because that's what his friends need."

"I need him."

She sighed, resting her head on his shoulder. "I know baby. We all do. We all miss him. It's gonna be a long time till I stop missing that smile."

"I don't think I ever will."

"He wouldn't want to hear you talking like that." She admonished.

"Yeah, well then let him come and kick my ass about it." He finally grinned slightly.

"Careful Javi. The way he supported Castle and all his theories about ghosts and spirits, Kevin just might be around to do that."

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The 'Closed for private gathering' sign on the door of The Haunt bounced lightly as the last group of officers headed out. They were singing "When Irish Eyes are Smiling" as they wandered away.

Castle locked up behind them, taking the sign down and turning off the outside light. He rested his head on the door for a moment. He was tired, but only slightly drunk. He'd kept his intake low tonight, wanting to be able to keep an eye on his friends. He'd kept two glasses in front of him at the bar, one with Kevin's favorite Irish whiskey, and one with club soda. The second had been refilled frequently, as toast after toast was made. The first was used only when a special tribute was paid, something that was more than just the standard "here's to a wonderful guy" comments.

His favorite new story of the night had been from Kevin's first partner, back when both were in uniform. Kevin was an eager rookie, ready to take on the world. "That fresh kid face and boundless enthusiasm had him looking more like a kid dressed up as a cop for Halloween than an armed officer of the law," the now retired officer recalled. "He wanted to solve everybody's problems. Fix the world, and he expected to do it by quitting time each day. I figured he'd last about 3 months till he burned out or washed out. He was just too innocent to be a good cop. Too sweet, and not nearly tough enough.

Sixteen days into the job. He is still grinning like a kid at Christmas every morning. Was beginning to wear on me a bit to be honest. I go into the diner for breakfast, while he stays out, talking to some runaway who is out there panhandling. He probably figured he could convince her to go home. Anyway, what I didn't know, is I was walking in on robbery. I see the guy rifling through the register and go to pull my gun. Next thing I know, another has his arm around my neck and a gun at my head. Bastard had a partner behind the door. I'm saying my prayers, 'cause I know these guys are not going to keep a cop alive any longer than it takes to get clear. I look over and can see Ryan through the window, wide eyed and calling it in. Then I am being dragged out the door as the first robber bolts ahead of us to get to the car. Suddenly, he's flat on the ground with Ryan's foot on his neck and the guy holding me has Ryan's gun in his face. 'Let go of my partner you' – well I won't repeat it since there are ladies here, but those words, coming outta that face? I think the bastard was shocked into surrendering. He took them both down without firing a shot. They'd robbed a dozen other businesses, and put 4 people in hospital, and he takes them down without firing a shot." He picked up his glass. "So yeah, Kevin Ryan was sweet, and innocent, and enthusiastic. He was also the best cop I ever partnered with, and I was proud to call him a friend."

There were countless other stories as the night went on. Jokes that had been played, tears that had been shed, crooks that had been brought to justice. Faces he hadn't expected to see showed up. Walker made a brief appearance. He wanted them all to know that Bobby S.'s empire was collapsing. The bible Kevin had gone undercover for was found stashed in the car he'd driven to the docks. There was enough in there to put a lot of people away for a very long time. It helped, some, to know that, but the more cynical side of Castle couldn't help but acknowledge that the void that was created would be filled quickly by rival gangs or up-and-comers, and the crime would go on. It all seem pointless, which made this all that much worse. The only real comfort he could take away from any of it was that Siobhan was safe. She was in witness protection now, - somewhere safe to start over again and have a fresh chance. Her history was wiped out, but Castle knew that her memories and guilt wouldn't go away. She had sent her condolences to the team, and asked they be passed on to Jenny. Kate elected not to share that detail with the young widow at this point. Maybe later, but probably not.

As the evening progressed, the crowd thinned out. Captain Gates was one of the last to leave. Rick had to admit, she seemed a lot more human tonight than she usually did. She took him aside just before leaving. "I know you're hurting too. We all are. They won't come to me if things get too much - it's a cop thing. But you might see it. I am asking you to let me know if they need help. Not to turn them in, not to rat them out. But I can't help them, if I don't know. I've lost one very good man in all of this. I don't intend to lose any more. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am." He smiled and took her hand. "I'll do what I can."

"I know you will."

Now, as he closed up, it was just the immediate family, as Castle liked to think of them, still sitting here.

Lanie sat beside Javi, watching him closely and prodding him back each time he started slipping into his dark mood. It was a struggle, but she seemed to be winning, or at least keeping things even. Alexis had curled herself up in a corner booth, sipping away at her coffee (he assumed that was what was in the mug), and watching the others. She'd been doing that most of the night, and occasionally just walking up to someone offering them a quick hug or a gentle hand on their shoulder. She had wonderful gift for healing people just that easily. Martha continued to play the role of hostess, making sure everyone had what they needed, all while quietly playing mother hen. She may not have looked the part, but she definitely embodied the spirit perfectly.

Kate had gone through everything he imagined she would. She had laughed and cried, supported and leaned as the evening ticked away. Now, she could feel his eyes on her and she excused herself from the table and walked over to him, tilting her head forward to rest it on his chest for just a few seconds.

"Has today been the longest day ever recorded or is that just hyperbole." she asked as she pulled back.

"Maybe a bit of both. You look ready to call it a day."

"I was ready for that hours ago. Hell, before I got out of bed this morning."

He brushed the hair back from her face. "Want me to take you home?"

"No." She looked over to her family. "Not yet. Saying good night is saying good-bye, and I'm not quite there yet."

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 _three days earlier_

The shock of the cold water slammed through him, erasing any of the other pain he'd been feeling. He gasped for breath, choking immediately as he inhaled the icy water. He had a fleeting sense of deja-vu, which disappeared as he struggled to stay afloat. His right arm felt weak and almost useless as he tried to drag himself to shore. His head was pounding. He could hear the shouting and shots above him, and an instant later a body landed in the water near him, just feet away. He was close enough to see that man had a chunk of his face blown away, but he still knew it was Finch. Well, no tears to be shed there. The bastard didn't trust him, and it would be great to no longer have to watch his back. Maggie, now the Widow Finch, didn't like him either, but with Liam dead she was effectively out of the picture.

He heard more shouts. Kevin? Who the hell was Kevin? Nobody by that name in Bobby's crew, at least not the inner circle. He could hear sirens now, and shout ID's of "police". This wasn't good. He swam, if it could be called that, further under the docks, hiding from the lights that were scanning the water. No way was he coming out now. Yeah, it was cold here, but it would be a hell of a lot colder in a prison cell, and clearly that was what was waiting above. There was someone else down here now to. This had been a dive. Someone jumping in. Had to be one of the cops.

Taking a deep breath he dove under water, forcing himself to go further under the docks. Shafts of light coming through the gaps in the pier provided barely enough visibility to show him a way to the other side of the maze of pilings and debris. He surfaced again briefly for air. The shouting was quieter, but Kevin was still being shouted out. He took a perverse comfort in the knowledge someone else lost was in this ice water river mess with him. Hoped it was a cop. Searching for him would lessen the likelihood they'd keep trying to find him. Of course, if he couldn't get out of the water soon, that wasn't going to matter much.

He was able to see in the dark better as he got used to it. He scanned around, grinning when he spotted the remnants of some kind of boat trapped under the pilings. It wasn't much, but he needed to get out of the water for the moment, catch his breath, hopefully warm up a bit and figure out what was happening. It took most of the strength he had left to pull himself up. The skeletal framework groaned under the weight, and he held his breath until he was sure it would hold him. He could hear the conversation from above. More cars being called in. Search helicopters as well to add light. Damn place was going to look like daytime at this rate. He resigned himself to the fact he was going to have to stay hidden longer. He shivered at the thought, knowing he was too wet and too cold for it to be healthy. When he reached up slowly to wipe water away from his face, he was surprised to feel the liquid was thicker and stickier than he'd expected. Blood. Shit! He'd been hit? He didn't remember that. He looked down at his arm, but it was too dark to be able to see the injury. He didn't need to. It had to be a bullet as well. Carefully, he pulled as his belt and fashioned a tourniquet to stem the bleeding. It didn't seem bad, likely because of the cold. Christ, this was a mess. More cops now arriving. He strained to hear what was being said.

OK, he was right. A cop went into the water. Good. Hopefully they'd keep looking where he'd first surfaced. Probably follow the current out as well. He didn't imagine they'd look in his direction for a while, if at all.

Ah shit! Bobby S. was dead? No. No. That couldn't be right. It had taken him years to be able to get back to New York. Back to the point he could work with Bobby again. He couldn't quite focus on why it had taken so long, but he was too tired and too pissed off to think about that right now. He tried to focus on what else was being said. Siobhan was being taken to the hospital. He didn't hear which one. He'd figure it out. He'd find her, and they would figure out where to go next – together. Like they always should have been. FBI custody? Damn, that was going to complicate – wait. Did that guy say witness protection? Her help? Shit! She got the bible for them. Bobby's bible was in the hands of the FBI and that bitch had helped? He'd kill her. Witness protection or not, he'd kill her. Bobby S., Liam, and who knows who else were dead – her fault.

He dropped his head back cautiously onto his makeshift shelter. The chills ran through him again. He had to calm down. Think this through. He was hurt, cold, and alone. If they had the bible, most of the crew was going to be arrested. He was in no position to warn anyone. It was going to hit the fan. Staten Island – New York City – hell, even the state, was not going to be safe for a while. Chicago. That would work. He knew people there. At least he thought he did. Even if not, he'd find his way in quickly. Fenton O'Connell was a survivor, and that was exactly what he intended to do.

 ** _tbc_**

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	3. Chapter 3

**_Four Months later_**

Kate looked at the message on her desk. Another one from the FBI – wanting an answer, she knew. She just wasn't entirely sure she was ready to give them one. Leaving the force, leaving this city. Both had been her home for since – well, since forever. This was her family, her life. But it all seemed wrong now. Off kilter and unbalanced.

Aside from the obvious huge change, a million small things were different now. She still found herself looking up at the elevator doors more than once when the bell rang, expecting to see Ryan bounding out, grin on his face and ready to take on the day. The sense of disappointment when it didn't happen had lessened but the twinge remained.

Castle hadn't stopped spouting off his farfetched theories. He could no more stop that than he could stop thinking. But that process had changed too. Without Ryan to bolster his ego on them, to feed the complex convolutions with encouragement, and sometimes even a twist or two of his own, he tended to let the ideas fade out more easily. He often didn't even voice them if Espo was around. It seemed to deflate him, and there was little enough interest there in the first place.

Things outside of the office had changed was well. For the first time in his adult (and likely teenage) life, Castle didn't celebrate St. Patrick's Day. The bar had the usual observances, complete with green beer and shamrock décor, but when Rick had pulled a stuffed leprechaun out of the decoration box that had been altered with a police badge the nametag reading "Ryan" he lost all interest in participating. He stayed home, polishing off the better part of a bottle of Irish whiskey on his own.

Lanie and Espo had broken up – again. "He doesn't want to be happy." She had tried to explain it to Kate over lunch one day. "He feels it is somehow betraying Kev if he smiles or laughs. If he allows himself to forget, for even a minute. I tried Kate, but I just can't live like that."

"No one expects you to Lanie. You can't force someone to be happy. We have to make our own choices and live with them."

Now, she was trying to follow that advice. She needed to make a choice. Castle needed to be consulted in all of this as well. She had no real doubt about what he'd say. ' _I can do my job anywhere Kate. We can go wherever you need to_.' But there was no point approaching him when she didn't know for certain what she wanted. That was a lie. She knew what she wanted. A time machine, something from one of Rick's far out theories, to go back and stop Kevin from taking that damned assignment. To keep him from being at work on the day Siobhan came into the precinct. Something to change the way everything unfolded.

"A penny for them." She looked up to see Castle standing by the desk, two coffees as always. He reached out to hand her one. "Your thoughts – a penny for them."

"You'd be overpaying."

"So, you haven't made a decision yet?"

She stared. "How did you know?"

"I didn't. I don't. At least, I don't know what. But I know the look you get when you can't decide which way to go on something important. You get this pretty little scrunchy look between your eyebrows… What? I said it was pretty."

She favoured him with her best exasperated look, but he was immune to it by this point. "A burden shared is lessened by half."

"Been reading fortune cookies again?"

He shrugged. "Still looking for the one that says 'Help! I'm a prisoner-"

"I will kill the bastard. Find him, rip him apart, then kill him!" Esposito's rant interrupted everything going on in the squad room. Beckett was on her feet and over to his desk in seconds. "Espo, you are going to get yourself fired. Settle down and tell me what the hell you are talking about."

"Chicago PD put out an OC update to New York and a few other cities. Sharing all the wonderful crud organized crime families are up to, and who might be heading our way in the next little while." He growled as he looked at the report again.

Kate waited for him to continue, finally prompting, "And?"

"Irish mob there has a few slimeballs who may be moving our way. Still filling the void out in Staten Island. Two are enforcers, one an 'accountant' and one is something they are calling a fixer."

"OK, the first two terms I know." Castle was at the desk now. "Just what are they considering a 'fixer'?"

"According to this, they've got a guy who – well, fixes things. Goes in and cuts deals, makes nice with the families. Sounds like he has brokered some deals that have cut off turf wars before they got ugly."

Castle shook his head. "No. It's bad plotting. Henry Kissinger of the mob? That's an unbelievable twist."

"Yeah, well if he comes here, I'm gonna kill him."

Beckett sighed. "Look, I know we don't need any more criminals as imports, but at least this guy doesn't sound like he plans on causing trouble, so why –"

"He calls himself Fenton O'Connell."

Castle dropped into the nearest chair. "OK, that is an even worse plot turn."

"It's not some damned story Castle. This bastard is using that ID to build his reputation. He's using Ryan, and that ain't right."

"Steady Espo. I didn't mean anything."

Javi closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. He muttered under his breath rapidly and then returned to English. "I know. Sorry bro. It's just – it's wrong. You know?"

"I do. What I can't figure out is how he can get away with it?"

Beckett took a seat next to him. "Wouldn't be all that hard really. Even though the crew here were told Fenton had been in Chicago, he never really was, so no one there would know him. All this guy would have to do is tell them he chose to disappear when things imploded here and set up there. A few favours, a few jobs to show them he's part of the family, and he's in. The name gives him credibility. And I agree Espo, it sucks that he's using Kevin's work that way. We'll send word to the OC task force to watch for him."

"Uh-uh. I want a piece of him."

"I'll mention that to them."

He stepped in front of her. Castle instinctively wanted to move between them, even though he know Javi would never lay a hand on her. "I'm serious. I want this bastard.

"And I said, I would tell OC that. You've got to cool down Javi, or you are gonna find yourself suspended. Twice in one year is not a good career move."

"I'm about as far from caring about that as it is possible to be. Ready to walk out of here anyway, so what difference could it make?"

"Quitting? That doesn't sound like you? You think that's what Ryan would-"

He turned away from Kate to stare down Castle. "Do not finish that. Do you want to know what Kevin would want? He'd want to be breathing. He'd want to see his baby being born, and then make sure there were a half dozen more little Ryan's around for the kid to play with. He'd want to be coming into work every day and putting scum like this guy behind bars."

"He'd want you to do that now, since he can't." Kate finished for him.

"Yeah. Well I don't think I can anymore either." He turned and walked away. Knowing there was nothing they could say to change matters, neither followed.

Kate made her way back to her paperwork, while Castle lingered, looking at the report. He sat and started reading it and she looked up in surprise a few minutes later when she heard him chuckling.

"If there is humour in any of this, I'd love to know what it is."

He brought the report over and took his usual seat beside her desk. "I'm not saying I would point this out to Espo right now – or ever – but I have to say I think our Kevin would approve of the guy who stole his persona."

"Seriously? How could Kevin approve –"

"Hear me out. Based on this," he pointed to the extensive notes at the back of the report the Esposito hadn't had the patience to look at, "this phony Fenton – come to think of it, our Fenton was phony too, so I guess that's not an accurate description to use." He saw the slow burn coming from Kate and quickly jumped back on track. "Faux Fenton – or 'Fauxnton' – really does seem to go out of his way to avoid violence. He has arbitrated not just a couple of disputes, but dozens. According to some reports, he's actually managed to end some issues that have been going on for years. Now, you have to admit, that is not standard business practice for these guys."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure he has an agenda. That **is** standard practice. Just a matter of time before it becomes apparent. It may have been something as simple as paving the way for him to come back to New York, if this prediction is right."

"Back?"

"To be able to use Fenton's name, to know that it would be safe to do so, I would guess the guy had to be a part of Bobby's crew that we never tracked down."

"That makes sense. He'd know what he needed to know to make sure the cover fit. He'd have to be someone who bore a passing resemblance – same age, general build, so he wouldn't trigger any questions."

"We could look into the files, see who might fit." She sighed and sat back. "Not really much point though. Knowing who he was won't help matters."

Castle stood, pacing slowly. "Why would he come back? If he was from here, why come back? He'd be known, and it wouldn't take long for someone to point out he wasn't Fenton."

"Not too many of the crew left."

"Wouldn't have to be them. Family, friends. Even just people in the neighbourhood. Why take that risk?"

Kate shrugged, and turned back to the paperwork on her current case. "Bigger picture maybe. Anyway, we will pass the info. It isn't really our problem, and frankly, I don't want to have to deal with it."

"Enough to deal with to make your own decision?" he prodded gently.

"We'll talk tonight."

"Whatever you need."

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C

He hated Chicago. Everything about the city felt wrong. Yeah, it was good for him to be away. Being here gave him a chance to build his strength up after what had happened. His arm still ached from time to time, especially if he got cold. And he seemed to get cold more easily that he used to. He'd spent the first few weeks after his dunking in the river thinking he was never going to be warm again. A Chicago winter, even just the tail end of one, didn't help that.

But it was where he needed to be. He'd been right about being welcomed there. Not surprisingly, word had spread about what had happened in New York and seemed pleased to take advantage of his desire to relocate.

Still, it wasn't home. And, it didn't take him long to realize he was going to have to watch his back. He didn't have the history here that he needed, and the names from his memory, the people he thought he could have counted on, didn't seem to be around any longer. After getting strange looks asking about some of them, he decided it was in his best interest to let the matter drop. If those guys had disappeared, it was for a reason, and in this business, it was safer not to find out what those reasons were.

The smartest thing to do was learn to fit in, so he wasted no time making himself useful. The first few jobs he'd stayed in the background, stepping up only when it looked like the collectors and enforcers were going too far. After one goon started working some sap over, Fenton grabbed his arm and twisted in back. "You can't collect from a dead man. I think he got the message." He was right, and payment in full was received the next day. A few similar interventions quickly earned him a reputation.

Not everyone approved of his style. They questioned his commitment. His toughness. Compassion was a sign of weakness, and weakness was a sure way to get yourself killed in this line of work. It took some doing to convince his cohorts that this was just good business, and that if push came to shove, he could be as ruthless as he had to be.

What worried him was the fact he wasn't entirely sure about that and was even less sure why it bothered him so much. Saving some shlub from getting whacked, or at least busted up, felt a hell of a lot better than hearing about the cases where that was the outcome. He hadn't been directly involved in any of them, but there were too many stories out there for his comfort. He did his best to keep the pretense alive, dreading the day he was going to find himself with no options.

He kept to himself as much as possible. With none of his former associates still around, and the current crew not entirely convinced of his dependability, solitude was safer. It also meant there were fewer questions about his past, a past which he wasn't fully able to put together. There were gaps. Very unsettling gaps. He blamed it on the head injury, and the time in the water. Not everyone seemed convinced, but as he proved his worth, the questions became less frequent.

When he managed to find a way to negotiate a truce between warring sides in a drug dispute, one that proved incredibly profitable for all parties, his actions caught the attention of powerful people. He moved up quickly, too quickly in the opinion of some. The time had come to make some changes.

 ** _tbc_**

C\C\C\C\C\C\C\C\C\C\C


	4. Chapter 4

**_Two months later_**

It was good to be back. It was right. Leaving had been the wrong choice, but at the time, seemed like the only one. Now, in familiar surroundings, with a few familiar faces around – this was home.

Fenton walked into Kelly's. He still felt a twinge of sadness coming here. It had been their place. Bobby S owned it – ran everything from there. Siobhan ran the bar. Any drunk who figured he could put the moves on her only made that mistake once. Now, they were both gone. He hadn't given up on the idea of someday finding her and making sure she paid for what she had done, but for now, that was just a fantasy. Getting himself back in with the power brokers here was the first step.

When the opportunity came up for a few of the boys to 'be traded' to New York, in return for some special interest needs, he jumped at it. He couldn't say just why, but he knew that was where he belonged. Sometimes, just as he was falling asleep, he'd have flashes of people, or places there. A petite blond woman, a tall brunette. A couple of guys as well. Always smiling, always laughing. When he tried to reach for the memory it would slip from his grasp. It was, to say the very least, unnerving. He knew it was important that he figure this out. He didn't know why it was, but there was no doubt in his mind. Maybe going home, to his city, it would become cleared.

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Beckett swore she would never leave the NYPD again, as she settled comfortably back into her desk. Her space. This was where she belonged, and she was damned grateful to have the chance to come back. The FBI was fine, and certainly presented opportunities she didn't have here, but it didn't fit right. Didn't feel like what she was about.

Not that things were perfect now that she was home – and that's what this was, her home. Emails from Jenny had been few and far between. She'd kept them updated on her health, and that of the baby. Last word had her more or less restricted to bed rest most of the time. She was in her last trimester, but things were still touch and go. And there was no way she was going to take any risks with this pregnancy. As much as Kate, all of them, would have loved to see her, they honoured her wishes.

Castle was glad to have things back to normal. Well, as close to normal as his life ever got. Martha was doing all sorts of strange and wonderful things with her acting school and auditions and heaven only knew what else. She was happy though. More so now that he, they, were back. Alexis was another story. Things between Castle and his pride and joy were not on the track since she had taken up with Pi. Not that Beckett blamed him. She wasn't impressed with the young man either, but it was not her place, or his, to make decisions for Alexis. It was an added stress they did not need right now.

The biggest concern though remained Esposito. He had come close to resigning several times, and closer still to being fired a couple more. New partners were requesting transfers within days, if they lasted that long. Gates had taken to assigning him cold cases, files he could work on his own. He wasn't happy with that, or anything else, but at least he wasn't threatening co-workers. Despite her best efforts to hang in, Lanie had finally broken things off with him for good. The stress, the mood swings, were too much for her to handle. "You were right. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, no matter how hard you try." She had texted Kate on the night she finally walked out. Kate would have loved to disagree but couldn't.

Now that she was back she could see the changes in him. The first shock she had was his weight loss. He'd always been trim and in good shape, but now he was almost gaunt. She had little doubt she'd be able to count his ribs if he took that shirt off. His face was fallen in, eyes looking somewhat hollow in their sockets. He barely acknowledged her return, which wasn't surprising given how angry he'd been when she left. It hadn't entered her mind that he would see it as a betrayal, but in hindsight, how could he have seen it any other way. He had stood by her year earlier when she needed him, to the point of almost ending his friendship with Ryan. Maybe all of this would have been easier if that had been the outcome.

Then, when he needed her strength and support in return, she had moved on. Not just moved on but moved to the FBI. The agency that had drawn Ryan back into his mob cover. Back into the company that got him killed. The idea that Espo would accept her back now was far from a foregone conclusion. With a deep breath, she pushed herself away from the desk and summoned him to follow her to an empty interrogation room. Might as well get this over and done as quickly as possible.

"What the hell are you doing to yourself Espo?"

"Nothing. If that's what this is about, we're done." He stood to leave.

"Are we? Are we done? If that's what you want, I will withdraw my request to Gates to put us back together as a team."

He nodded. "That would be for the best."

His words cut her. She had expected at least the chance for a discussion about the matter. "Fine. If you don't want me for a partner, I understand."

"Not a matter of what I want Beckett. It's a matter of keeping you alive."

She stared. "What are you talking about?"

"My partners end up dead – or haven't you noticed?"

"No, I hadn't noticed. Thornton wasn't dead, he faked it, remember? And Kevin…Javi, that wasn't your fault."

"I was supposed to have his back. Promised Jenny I would, promised his family. Hell - promised him. Till the wheels fell off. That's how long he was going to have my back, and I wasn't there when he needed me."

"Again, not your fault."

Javi grabbed the chair he'd been leaning on and threw it to the wall. "Thirty seconds! That was all it would have taken. If I'd moved faster. Driven faster. Figured this out just 30 seconds faster, he'd still be here. Sitting out there with us. Egging Castle on with some stupid theory. He'd be here for his baby." He fell to his knees, dropping his head onto the table. "I failed him Beckett. I can't – I won't do that to you as well."

"Damn Espo. That's what this has all been? It wasn't you fault. Or mine, or Siobhan's or Walker's. The bastards to blame for this are dead. Finch and Bobby S. are dead and rotting in hell. Nobody else takes any blame in this. Not us, not the bureau." She paused, knowing where a lot of her own anger had been directed. "And it wasn't his fault either."

Javi looked at her in surprise, never imagining anyone else had even considered the idea. "You too?"

"Yes. I was mad at him for days – weeks after this happened. I still am sometimes. He knew what he had here, and he still walked away from it all to go back there. I knew why, my head knew why. It was like I told Jenny, and like Castle keeps reminding me – it's who he was. It's why we all loved him. He was too decent a guy to do anything else."

"I get angry with him, and then made at myself for feeling like that, and then mad at him again."

"That's a death spiral Javi. You have to pull out of it, or it will take you down. And I don't care what else you are thinking about, or where you want to direct that anger, but I am going to remind you of one thing. There is a little version of Kevin coming into this world soon, and there are not too many people around who will love the child more that you will. More than anything else we have talked about, that is the reason you have to get your shit together. Kevin needs you for that."

"You still mad at him?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes. Not as much, and not as often. But it's not how I think of him anymore. Those last days are not the Kevin Ryan that comes to mind for me, and that helps."

"Yeah. I was remembering just the other day when we went to interview the guy who ran the stripper service, and he though Kev was there for an audition. Damn, I thought for a minute he was going to do it, just to piss me off."

"Sounds like something he'd try." She laughed. "And remember his face when he had to call that vampire girlfriend of his?"

"You know they got back together after that."

"You mean he actually slept in the coffin?"

Javi was grinning broadly. "From what he told me, not sure he did much sleeping in there!" His look turned a bit wistful. "The look I'll never forget is the one on his face when he proposed to Jenny. Damn, nobody has the right to be that happy! Ain't fair to the rest of us."

"He was happier on his wedding day." She reminded him.

"Only because we got him to break that damn juice fast."

They stayed in the room almost an hour, reminiscing. Laughing, crying, and finally starting to heal.

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C

Castle looked at the photos on the screen again. He'd spent most of his spare time reviewing the file the Chicago PD had sent a couple months back. Word was that the anticipated transfer of troops had happened, but since the matter was out of their jurisdiction, the 12th had little to do with the news. He'd downloaded the file, along with all the info on Bobby S and company, when no one was aware of his actions, and had spent evenings sorting through everything. There was a lot of history there. The hardest part had been surveillance photos. They went back for years as well, and he wasn't surprised to see a much younger Ryan in a few of them, back when he had been Fenton O'Connell for the first time. He had that kind of face that would always look young, but in those shot, it was eerily so. Then some photos from the last case. Shots of him getting into a car or leaving Kelly's. A few from inside as well. Must have been cameras of some kind they could tap into. Maybe Bobby S.'s own surveillance. There was Kevin, toasting someone, playing pool, just hanging out. They were hard to look at, and he wanted to make sure the others didn't see them if there was no reason.

He shifted files to look at the Chicago collection, hoping he might be able to figure out who the "Faux-nton" was. Beckett had been right, it probably didn't matter. But he wanted to test himself anyway. Over the years, he was getting better at this detective things, and challenging himself this way helped, and he would take all the help he could get. His team was hard to keep up with.

He smiled. He did love the fact he had a team. Even with all they have been through together, from terrorists, to 3XK, to torture, they were at team. It was the only reason they had been able to get through this. And he believed they were now getting through it. He'd heard Beckett and Espo a week ago, in the interrogation room. Not specifically what was being said, but he could hear they were talking. Even laughing. And when they finally reappeared, he could see they had been crying. But they came out together, and he had the distinct impression they were more together now than they had been in months.

The change was noticeable. The mood in the entire squad room seemed to pick up when Javi stopped growling at people. He'd bought pizza for the floor, by way of acknowledging his behavior. There had even been a dinner with Lanie since, and while there was no way of knowing where things might go, at least they were speaking again. They all just might be seeing the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

"Seriously Castle?" he berated himself. "You are resorting to such tired clichés?"

"You say something Rick?" Beckett called in from the living room.

"No, just mumbling." He looked up to see she was leaning against the door frame, and quickly closed his lap top. That was a mistake.

"What have you been studying all night?"

His nervousness was a dead giveaway. "Just research?" It really wasn't meant to be a question.

"Honestly Castle, I do not understand how you ever manage to play poker." She reached out to pick up the laptop.

"Kate, really…"

"OK. What's wrong? What have you done?" She opened the machine. "Damn it – these are not supposed to leave the building. What do you think you are –" she froze when the first shot with Kevin came up. Her tone softened. "Rick, don't do this. Don't dwell on it."

"I'm not. No, really." He added when she looked skeptically at him. "Kate, something is wrong here. I mean aside from the obvious. There is something I am missing, and for the life of me I can't see it."

"Well, you should start by separating the files. You have New York shots mixed with Chicago."

"No, I've been keeping them separate."

"Well, someone screwed up then. Look. Ryan is in the background on this one." She pointed out a man sitting at the far end of the bar.

"How do you even see that?" Castle asked, making a mental note to get his eye check-up moved forward. "That must be the imposter."

"Not a chance. Take another look. I would spot him in any crowd."

Castle highlighted the area and enlarged it. "Yeah, that's Kevin all right. Seriously, you could make that out in the shadows?"

Kate shrugged sadly. "Instinct. My eye goes to him. Same thing when I see the team baseball shots, or some from the precinct picnic. Guess I'm just trying to keep him active in my mind. You know, it's like – Castle, are you listening to me?"

He stared, not believing what had to be the truth. He scanned over the photo, checking the other faces, checking the details.

"Kate. This **is** a Chicago picture. Look at the others in here. That is not from Kelly's."

"It has to be. There's no other explanation."

She sat beside him, knowing he wouldn't make that mistake. He opened the data for the shot and scrolled down. "This photo was taken 3 months ago." His voice was barely a whisper, as if saying it aloud would alter the facts. Kate collapsed back in her seat. "No. No way does Kevin do this to us. To Jenny. There has to be some other explanation."

"Other than the fact he is alive? What – he has a twin brother we don't know about? Who cares what the explanation is? He's alive Kate!"

"Rick, why? Why would he disappear that way? It doesn't make sense. There was no way to plan that. No reason to put him undercover that way. It would be – well insane is the only word."

His writer's mind kicked into gear. "Well maybe – no, that wouldn't work. Oh, I know – they needed… no. That would be a stupid plan." He paused. "Your right. There is no way this can be right. But Kate –"

She nodded. "Oh, it's him. It's definitely him. Now all we need to do is figure out what the hell is going on."

C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C

tbc


	5. Chapter 5

Beckett paced nervously, jumping at every sound. She was waiting for the doorbell to ring, so when the door opened instead, she nearly jumped out of her skin. "What are you doing here?" she all but yelled at Alexis.

"Sorry, I thought I was still welcomed. I had no idea –". She turned to storm out.

"No, I'm sorry. Don't leave. I was expecting someone else and you just startled me. Of course you're welcome here. This is your home."

Despite her anger, she could feel the tension radiating in the room. "What's going on? Is everyone ok? Where's my dad?" Alexis was getting more anxious with each question.

"He's fine. He's in his study, working on something. Really, everything is alright. Confusing, but alright." She paused. "Why did you come over?"

The young woman gave a sheepish grin. "I just needed a few things from my room. I actually thought you two might be out, Friday night and all."

"So, you came when you thought your dad wasn't here."

She nodded, her face flushing with embarrassment. "He's just so overprotective Kate. He's driving me crazy. I'm not a kid. I'm not sure I ever was, but I can certainly take care of myself."

Knowing it wasn't the answer she wanted, Kate could only make one comment. "He loves you. That's really the only explanation I can offer. And he will do whatever he thinks he has to do to keep you safe. That's usually a lot more than he needs to do."

"When does it end?"

"It doesn't." Kate smiled at her. "My dad is the same. He's just a bit subtler about it. Rick doesn't do subtle."

"No kidding." She looked thoughtful. "Guess my timing could have been better. He's still getting over losing Kevin. That hit him harder than anything I've ever seen." She saw the mildly confused look from Kate. "I think he saw Kevin, and Espo, as the kid brothers he never had. When he started working with all of you, and one of them would include him in something – well he was just over the moon. When Kevin asked his advice about proposing to Jenny he talked about it for days."

"I never saw that." Kate turned to look at the closed study door. "I knew he was upset, but he seemed to be taking it so much better than we were. I just assumed it was because he hadn't known Kevin as long – well to be honest, I didn't really think about it at all."

Alexis followed her gaze to the door. "He cried. Every night when he came home alone. Those walks he was taking on the nights you were here weren't to work on a story Kate. He didn't want you to worry about him. Wouldn't like it now either."

Kate reached out and quickly hugged the younger woman. "Our secret then. But thank you. Now, go get your stuff. And poke your head in to say hello to him. Trust me." She watched Alexis rush up the stairs. Despite the current tensions, that was a very special father-daughter bond, and she couldn't wait until it had mended.

Her thoughts jumped back to the present when the doorbell rang. She opened the door to see a moderately peeved face staring at her. "Just what was so import-"

She cut him off, grabbing his hand and pulling him into the room. "Sit."

"Beckett-?"

"You're going to think we are crazy. That we both have lost our minds, but I promise you, we are as sane as we ever were."

"In Castle's case, that's not saying a lot." He had expected a reaction, and when it didn't come, he started to worry. "You're not leaving the PD again, are you? Moving away?"

"No, nothing like that. Not ever." She stopped as Alexis came down.

"Hi Javi – how are you doing?"

"Better." He gave her a warm smile and quick hug. "You look good."

"Thanks. Kate, I have to rush. Pi is downstairs. Tell dad I'll call him – I promise." She was out the door before hearing the answer.

"Problems?"

Kate shook her head. "Independent daughter, protective father. What do you think?" She turned her head toward the study and called out. "Castle. Espo is here."

It was brief seconds before the door opened. "Did you tell him? You didn't yet, did you? I want to see his face."

"You guys are acting weird, even by your standards. What is going on?"

Castle looked at Kate, who just nodded her assent, before handing over the print of the enlarged photo. Espo's grin faded a bit. "OK, so a photo of Kevin. Not a very good one either. From the Fenton gig. What gives?"

"You should sit down."

"And you should get to the point."

"Look at it again."

"Castle-"

"Please, just really look at it."

Years of experience taught him it was easier to surrender in these matters, so he did. He perched on the arm of the sofa and looked down again. It was, at the same time, Kevin and not Kevin. Fenton was definitely present in the shot. The hair, the clothing, even the body language could be picked up in the shot. He looked at it a bit longer, trying to figure out where it had been taken. It was a bar, but not Kelly's. He'd seen that interior enough to recognize it. This was different. An Irish pub to be sure, but not Kelly's. He looked at the background. Photos lined the walls. A shot of Fenway park, and Cubs team banner. The Chicago Bears logo on the clock. Slowly it dawned on him.

"This can't be right."

"It is. We've checked it a dozen ways. It's really. And the date stamp is real too."

"No. There has to be some other explanation." Espo didn't want to believe it. He was afraid to believe it.

"Look, we can't figure it out either. But Kevin is alive. And here in New York."

He slowly slid from the arm of the sofa onto the seat. He stared for close to a minute, convincing himself this was real. He finally looked up with an unusual blend of relief, anger, confusion and joy. "What the hell do we do now?"

"Part of the answer is what we don't do. We can't tell anybody about this. Not Gates, no OC, and certainly not Jenny. Not until we know more." Kate was adamant about that, especially telling Jenny. She was due soon, and the shock of all of this, without being able to provide all of the details, could will put her into early labour – or worse.

"How do we find out?" Javi asked, still not moving.

"Easiest way is to go out to Kelly's and start asking questions."

Castle wasn't convinced. "You don't think that might put him in danger?"

"Routine investigation."

"They get cops coming by all the time. Part of the nature of their chosen profession." Espo added. "You sure we shouldn't check with OC and make sure they aren't in the middle of something?" He didn't want to believe Kevin had willingly, and secretly, gone undercover, but on the off chance that was the case, barging in on it could be a bad move. Fatally bad.

Kate shook her head. "They won't tell us if they do."

Rick had to agree. "Especially under these circumstances."

"So, when do we do this?"

The three exchanged looks, each deciding on the answer at the same time, but Castle was the one to voice it. "No time like the present."

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"O'Connell, how the hell did you screw up?"

Fenton looked up from the pool table in the back room. Sean O'Rourke was barrelling in, full steam and clearly pissed.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Three cops outside asking questions about you. Nothing happens without a reason, so what did you do?"

"You know everything I've been working. Nothing should have caught any special interest. Who are these guys?"

"Not locals. From the 12th."

That made even less sense. "What the hell are they doing up here?"

O'Rourke stared him down. "Tell me the truth – you been up to anything that's going to bite us in the ass?"

"On my mother's grave Sean. I'm not screwing with you."

The answer satisfied him, at least for now. But it didn't make him happy. "We have a major buy going down in an hour, and these three show up now? I hate coincidences."

"So answer their questions and send them on their way. We need them gone, peacefully and quietly. We do not need to be attracting more attention."

Sean agreed, and said so as he headed back toward the front, promising to get rid of them. Fenton followed, carefully taking a surreptitious peak through the cracked open door. The need to know who was interested in him was overtaking his judgement. When he saw the faces, he felt a pit in his stomach that went straight down and through the floor. It was them. Those were the three faces he kept seeing in those fleeting flashes in his head. They were the ones taunting him, teasing at his memories. He did know them. Or at least, he knew them. He grabbed at Sean before he could leave the room.

"Did you get names from them?"

O'Rourke looked at him suspiciously. "Beckett, Esposito and Castle. The last guy is a writer or something. You know them?"

Fenton shook his head firmly, hoping the anxiety and confusion wasn't obvious. "No, just wondered is all. I'll come out when they're gone, and we can take care of more lucrative business for the day."

He watched the conversation, too far away to hear any of it. Those were definitely the three fighting to emerge from his subconscious. He wondered where the blond was, and where she fit into the picture. For that matter, where did these three? He tried to puzzle it out. One thing he was fairly certain of is that they were part of that night on the docks. He could only conclude that was why those faces, those images, kept teasing at him. And, if they were there, that had to mean they were the cops that shot him? More importantly, that killed Bobby.

A cold smile came to his face. He never allowed himself to imagine he'd have the chance to avenge that moment. Until now. He couldn't remember enough about the night to begin to know who to go after. He supposed have a bullet graze your head would have that effect on a guy. But now, it made sense. If they had even a hint he was back in town, they'd want him in custody. Want to wrap up that case. Well, that wasn't going to happen. He'd see to it that there was an end to the story. Too bad for them, it wasn't going to be the one they had in mind.

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 _tbc_


	6. Chapter 6

"They wanted us out of there too fast. Something is happening, and I will be my next paycheck Kevin is somehow involved."

Castle was scrambling to do up his seatbelt in the back as Espo took another corner at high speed, trying to keep the car they were tailing in sight. "So you didn't believe this O'Rourke character either."

"God no. He may be the worst liar I've ever seen. The way he tore out of the room. Even money says Kevin was either in the back room or was being summoned there."

"Espo, do us all a favour and don't talk and drive at the same time. Keep focus on the road." He merely glared back briefly at the writer.

"And our plan is now…"

Beckett licked her lips anxiously. What she was about to propose violated at least half a dozen rules, but she found it hard to care to much about that.

"We keep following and see what they are up to."

Espo agreed. "We can get back-up fast enough if we need it, but I want to know where my boy is and make sure he's safe before we do anything."

It didn't take long for them to figure out the destination, and all three felt sick when it became obvious they were headed for the docks.

"This is just too weird. I would never let a story play out this way."

"Well, that's the thing about real life Castle." Beckett advised him. "You don't get to edit it to fit your vision." They were pulling in behind a warehouse, the same location they had been months earlier when everything fell apart. This time, they took the time to put on vests, and slowly crept forward to see what was happening.

"Drug buy. Shit. We need to get back up." Espo didn't react. "Seriously, we can't play around with this. A meet is one thing, but this is a deal Espo. We have no choice." Reluctantly he quietly called it in.

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Fenton's eyes darted around the dock area. He couldn't begin to explain the growing sense of unease he had, but knew it was building to something he wasn't sure he could handle. It had started back at the bar, and now was making it almost impossible to focus on the deal going down in front of him. He shouldn't be here. Not like this. Something was missing. Something was seriously off balance. His head was pounding. He hadn't felt anything like this since – damn, since the last time he had been here. It was all too familiar and at the same time, foreign.

"Fenton? You with me boy?" Sean was calling his name, probably not for the first time based on the tone.

"Yeah, sure. Just keeping an eye open is all. You just about done?"

"Something wrong?"

"Just have a bad feeling is all."

"Well, we're done. Soon as they finish moving the stuff to my car –" he stopped when Fenton spun around, drawing his gun. He could hear cars approaching. Before anyone could react, sirens were closing in.

"NYPD, everybody stay right where you are!" Uniformed cops were moving in.

Beckett and Esposito both cursed loudly. They hadn't been tipped to the arrival and became aware the same moment the suspects did. When Fenton – Kevin – reached for his gun, both went into a controlled panic.

"Everybody freeze!" They both came out for cover, heading for the same target to get him protected before things went bad. Just as they had been the first time, they were a few steps to late.

Both sides of the drug deal drew weapons and opened fire. Everyone ducked for cover except for one man, who stood paralyzed in the middle, experiencing an overwhelming deja-vu. " _My partners. My team. My crew. You don't want to mess with them._ " The only problem with the thought was that he had no idea who it applied to. A shot coming close to him galvanized him into action and he dove behind the nearest crates, which still left him in the middle of no man's land.

Javi was fighting his own deja-vu in all of this. No way was he going to come this close to getting Kevin back just to lose him the at the same place, in the same way. He moved himself into a position he could get closer, move up beside his partner.

"Espo, don't." Castle was warning. Kevin's hesitation worried him. He had the clear impression the young man had no idea what was happening. His warning was, not surprisingly, ignored. It did serve as notice to the mobsters, and one of them shifted his attention, taking aim at the detective.

 _Till the wheels come off._ He had no idea where the phrase came from, but it screamed in his head. He dove towards the man running at him, knocking him down as multiple shots were fired at them. Bullets flew overhead as both men pressed themselves close to the ground. Castle tried to work his way to them, but there was no safe cover. The arrival 30 seconds later of another wave of black and whites made it a moot point, as weapons were tossed out in surrender.

Javi pulled himself up to his knees, looking over at the prone figure a few feet away. "Nice dive bro." There was no response. "Kevin. No. Kevin!" He was shouting, scrambling as he turned his partner over and pressed down firmly on the source of the blood staining his shoulder with an ugly dark red. "No. Not now. Not after all this."

"Easy Javi. Slow. It's his shoulder, I don't think it's too bad." Castle was looking for other wounds. "He may have knocked himself out when he landed." There were already medics approaching.

"Let them take care of him." Beckett was pulling him back. The trio stood, mesmerized by the fact Kevin Ryan was lying there in front of them. When the medic looked up to flash a quick smile telling them it wasn't serious, they collapsed against each other. Castle's smile was enough to light up the pier.

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"He's still in recovery Detective Beckett. I could let you in there, but as he is unconscious, there really isn't much point."

Kate was fairly certain there were rules about shooting obnoxious doctors. She was also certain that she really didn't care. In short order Kevin was going to have a long line of people waiting to talk to him, from Organized Crime Task Force to Internal Affairs. She had to be first on that list. Before she had a chance to express any of that, an authoritarian voice joined the conversation.

"Detective Ryan is being placed in protective custody and will need to have an officer at his side at all times. Detective Beckett is the primary detective on the case, and needs to be there, so you will accede to her request unless you want to be charged with interfering in an ongoing police investigation doctor."

Beckett and Castle both stood slack jawed, starring at Captain Gates. She did not return their gaze, focusing only on the doctor who was currently trying to find the quickest escape options. "Fine, but he is not to be disturbed. He needs to rest."

"Of course. His recovery is paramount to all of us, I assure you." She turned to look at her people after he left. "I am going to assume the only reason I was not briefed on all of this is that Detective Ryan's life was in imminent danger and you did not have time to deal through proper channels."

"Absolutely, Sir." Beckett found her voice. "I can give you a full report now…" The reluctance in her voice was so obvious Gates had to force herself not to smile.

"As of this moment you are on protection duty. But," she finally let the smile loose, "I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to hearing all about this." She turned toward the civilian member of the team. "Even from you Mr. Castle." she added, then headed out before any of them could say more.

Kate opened the door slowly, as if somehow afraid of what she was going to see. Yes, it was real. Kevin was lying on the bed, shoulder heavily bandaged and several wires and tubes connecting him to assorted machinery. It looked far more intimidating than it had to. She stepped to the side when she realized Espo was stepping in behind her.

"I don't believe it. I just – I don't believe it."

Castle nodded. "You aren't alone in that." They all stopped when Kevin moaned softly, tossing his head slowly from side to side. Javi was at the bedside first. "Yo, Kev. Can you hear me bro?" There was no reaction, and reluctantly Javi pulled a chair over. "That's ok. You get some more rest. You'll need it to fill us in on all of this."

A couple of hours later, after repeated dirty looks from the nursing staff checking on their patient, Beckett was explaining why she failed to see why the boys couldn't understand a simple, obvious fact. "We might be able to get away with one of us staying put, but we can't all be staying here. And, as senior detective, that one should be me."

"Yes, but since I am not a cop, you are not senior to me."

"Sure, when 'not a cop' is to your advantage, you are totally willing to play that card." Castle just grinned at her. God, that was annoying.

Espo was adamant. "This is one time where you can't pull rank. He's my partner. He's my friend. And he was saving my ass when he got shot. I am not moving from here."

"I don't suppose there is any way you guys can decide on this a little more quietly, is there?" The voice from the bed was almost too soft to be heard.

"Kev - bro. Oh God, man. It is so good to hear your voice."

Beckett fought to keep herself under control as she expressed the same sentiment.

"All things considered, you're looking pretty good Ryan." Castle was a little less successful about keeping his voice level.

"Uh, ok. Guys? What's going on?"

Beckett hurried to reassure him. "You were shot Kevin, but it's not bad. Shoulder wound. It's going to hurt like hell for a bit, but there was no serious damage."

"And you hit your head, so again - no serious damage." Javi tried to lighten the mood, but the tension was too thick.

Kevin was too confused to even think about a comeback. "How did I get shot? Why don't I remember that?" There was just a suggestion of panic to the question and Beckett stepped up again to answer.

"Like Espo said, you hit your head when you went down."

"Things are probably a little scrambled at the moment Ryan, but it should sort itself out when you are feeling better." Castle added, the concern overtaking his usual bantering tone.

He tried to dig for memories, but the dull throb in his head and his shoulder seemed to block out everything else. Mentally shrugging (recognizing that physically following through on that would be unpleasant) he decided to let everything go for the moment and closed his eyes again. "Tired."

The mumbled word was all the signal they needed, and Beckett began to shoo the others out of the room. "You rest Ryan. One of us will be here, or close by. Call button is there for the nurse if you need anything."

His eyes popped open and he made a move to sit up rapidly. The pain meds weren't enough to counter that move and he gasped loudly in reaction to the sharp agony that went through him. "Jenny? Where's Jenny? She must be so pissed."

"Easy Ryan. Lie back. We haven't had a chance to tell her you're here yet. I was just going to go do that now."

"Tell her I'm OK Beckett. God, I don't want her worrying. She's mad enough at me as it is." Espo had pushed his pain medication button dosing him with another small hit as soon as he had shouted out. It was taking effect fast as he began to fade out. "She's so mad." He mumbled as he closed his eyes.

Castle started to speak, but a glare from Beckett, followed by a tilt of her head, stopped him. They all left the room to take the conversation away from the restless patient. When they were in the corridor, he spoke. "He thinks she's going to be mad?"

"Yeah," Javi answered. "Well, given the fact he let us all think he was dead for over 6 months, I am surprised he wouldn't think we were all ready to kill him. We probably will be as soon as we get past the shock."

"He didn't seem worried about that - about us being mad. That's not like him."

Castle looked back into the room. "That is weird. I mean, he felt apologetic about not telling us about the first undercover assignment, and that was ancient history. You would think some of that good Catholic guilt would have him begging for our forgiveness now."

"He just woke up Castle. He's lucky he can remember his own name at this point. You guys wait here - outside - and let him rest. I'm gonna try to call Jenny again. She hasn't answered my first message." She wandered down the hall, cell phone in hand.

Espo positioned himself where he could watch every movement in the room. He couldn't get past the idea that if he took his eyes off Kevin, his partner would disappear again. There were a lot of questions and working it all out was going to raise some issues, but right now he didn't care. What he did care about was the way Castle was looking at him.

"What?"

"Nothing." Rick answered with a grin. "But, you do know he's not going anywhere - right?"

"You sure?" Hearing his named called from down the hall distracted him from any answer. He looked to see Lanie rushing toward them.

"It's true? It's real? Our boy is back?"

"Whoa woman, catch your breath." He turned her gently to look into the room and was glad he was close behind when her knees buckled.

She caught herself quickly and pulled away from his support. "What the hell is going on?"

"That," Castle replied, "is the $64,000 question."

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tbc


	7. Chapter 7

"Jenny." Thank God she answered this time.

"Kate, oh Kate, I am so glad you called. I didn't think you got my message."

Beckett looked down at the phone in confusion. "Your message? But I left you-" she was cut off as Jenny appeared to have not heard her.

"I was so wrong. I get it now. Kevin would want you all here right now." There was a sharp intake of breath.

"Here, now? Jenny, are you in labour? But you're not due…"

"Yes -didn't you get my message?"

She shook her head, not believing the timing. "No. I was calling - never mind why. Where are you? Oh, wait, here's the text." She swallowed hard. "OK Jenny. I don't know if I can." A loud cry came, and a different voice spoke. "Detective Beckett, this is Maureen - Jenny's sister. We'll get back to you." The call was cut off.

Kate looked again at the text. It was sent three hours early, but the phone had been muted when they were at the docks, and she hadn't thought about it since. Jenny was here, three floors away, giving birth. Giving birth early.

Castle knew something was wrong the minute he saw her coming back. "She doesn't want to see him?" He couldn't imagine that was true, but at the same time, could almost understand.

"She's having the baby. Here. He doesn't even know she's pregnant, and he's about to become a father." She looked it at the sleeping detective. "I can't tell him that now. He'll want to be there, and he can't. He's still half out of it from the anesthesia, and you just juiced him with morphine."

Lanie was concerned about more than just that. "Did you tell her Kate?" Getting a negative answer, she took charge. "OK, I am going to go up there. I'll tell her I was in the hospital for something else, and you texted me. We are not saying anything else to her. This kind of shock, in her condition -"

"You mean more than just labour, don't you?"

"This has been a rough time Kate. She's called me a few times with concerns, swearing me to secrecy. She and the baby have been at risk. She's better now, but I am not about to give her this kind of shock until I know she can handle it. Let me worry about this, you guys find out what is going on with 'dad'."

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Castle had been staring out the window for so long he'd almost locked himself into position. With the detectives back at the precinct filing the preliminary paperwork, and Lanie still with Jenny (and wasn't that taking too long?), he had committed himself to standing, or sitting, watch here. But with his charge sleeping deeply, he found his mind wandering. He came to with a start when he heard his name. "Castle?" He turned his head quickly and regretted it. He hadn't even notice Kevin waking up.

"Hey pal. You need something?" He reached out toward the call button when he got a nodded response but froze when Kevin spoke.

"Answers would be nice."

"You need to rest."

"I need to know what is going on. There's something you guys aren't telling me, and my - what did you call it - scrambled brain isn't coming up with the answers."

This was a job for one of the others, or at least for him with the others. "Kevin…"

"Last thing I remember is being on the docks."

OK, Rick thought, that was good. "Why were you there?"

Kevin went quiet, closing his eyes and trying to remember. He seemed to have shut out everything else in the effort and didn't appear to hear Javi and Beckett talking softly as they arrived at the door. Castle held up a hand to silence them.

"It was a job, wasn't it? I was undercover."

Javi seethed silently. So, he had been on a mission - one he had kept from them, and even worse, from Jenny. He couldn't say that he would blame her, whatever reaction she had to the news.

Kevin was still trying to sort out the details. "The FBI asked - no, that's not right. Siobhan. She was in trouble. Oh, Shit, Bobby S. found out. He was going to kill her! Is she OK?"

He opened his eyes, desperate for an answer. They were all staring at him in stunned silence. They weren't answering him. This is what they weren't telling him.

"Damn, she's dead. I fucked up. I tried - I called you guys, but there wasn't time…" he was starting to hyperventilate, shaking with the panic attack. Beckett was the first to snap out of her shock.

"No, Kevin. She's fine. She wasn't hurt, you hear me. She's fine."

It took several long seconds before the news registered. He asked again without speaking, his eyes begging for the confirmation. Javi moved next to the bed, taking his partners hand. "We got there. A couple of seconds later than we should have, but we got there. She's fine Kevin." He paused, then added, "Bobby S and Liam are dead though."

Ryan was surprised to feel a flash of grief about Bobby. His head knew the man had no redeeming qualities and that he was a stone-cold killer. Hell, he had given the order that should have ended his own life, and he should have taken pleasure in the knowledge the man got what he deserved. But that wasn't how Kevin Ryan was raised; that wasn't the man he became. He believed that every man had a soul and could find redemption, and he grieved, just a little, for the fact Bobby's soul never had that chance.

"Do you remember anything after your confrontation with Bobby?" Castle had been quiet but was dying to know the rest of the story.

There were a few more seconds of silence as he tried to drag out more memories. "Fighting. On the docks. I was trying to get the gun, I guess from Liam. I thought I did, but… I was cold. I remember being cold. Guess I went in the water?"

"That's it. Nothing after that?"

"What else could there be Beckett? I got shot, fell in the water and woke up in the hospital. What am I missing?" He looked at their faces. His fellow detectives looked anxious, but Castle - he looked like he was about to explode. "Castle, what aren't they telling me?"

The writer bit into his fist, the only way he could keep from talking. "Damn it! Will somebody please tell me what's going on? And where is Jenny? Has something happened?"

"Easy bro. She's fine. Just settle a minute. We'll tell you, but you have to settle down."

Ryan collapsed back into the pillows, and the trio around the bed watched the monitors for signs his vitals were returning to somewhere in the range of normal. It took a minute, but he did calm somewhat.

Kate pulled a seat next to the bed. "OK. Yes, you were shot and went into the water. But, we couldn't find you. They had search parties and divers and helicopters. We looked for hours Kevin." Under the best of circumstance, Ryan would have been described as being fair skinned. Definitely reflected his Irish heritage. Add the fresh injuries, and he was pale. She watched now as that description changed to what could charitably be described as ghost like. "Kevin, you have to stay calm and keep breathing, or I will get someone in here to sedate you. Understand."

He nodded weakly, finely able to whisper, "I'm fine." It convinced no one. "You thought - there was no body, so you thought I was dead?"

They couldn't speak. How do you answer that? 'yes, we gave up on you'. "Oh God. Jenny. You told Jenny I was dead. That's why she isn't here."

"She's fine Kevin, or she will be when we can talk to her."

He swallowed the lump in his throat, fighting to keep himself controlled enough that they wouldn't stop. Dead. He was dead. No wonder they kept looking at him like he was some kind of apparition - he was. "How long was I out? Where did you guys find me?"

Kate hesitated, so Castle took up the slack. "What date do you think it is?"

He lay there, thinking for a moment. They could see his eyes darting around, taking things in and processing a lot more than just his memory of the last date he could recall. His voice shook as he answered.

"Based just on my memory, I'd say February 8 or 9. I remember thinking I was going to be home in time for Valentine's day. I'm guessing I missed that." He took a breath to try to calm down. It didn't help. "Problem is, you guys aren't exactly dressed for winter. Neither is anybody else I've seen. So, it has to be more than a couple of days, or even weeks - right?"

Castle took his own calming breath. "It's August 23rd."

 _Is it possible to faint when you are already lying down_? he wondered. At least he wouldn't fall flat on his face. Kevin couldn't breathe. He couldn't speak - no words would come to mind, and even if they did, he was too stunned to move or act. That was over 6 months. A half a year. That wasn't possible. Nobody forgets themselves, their friends and family for 6 months. A prank. A joke. He had no idea why Castle would do that, and why the others would agree. His stunts were childish, but never this cruel.

"Not funny." He finally gasped out. He looked to the others to back him up.

"Sorry Bro. Not a joke." Javi was reaching out for him, but Ryan pulled his hand back.

"This isn't - you must be - " he was trying to speak but couldn't hear himself. His chest was tight, his body shaking. He couldn't hear anything over the pounding in his head. Through blurring vision, he saw the looks of concern on their faces. Then they disappeared, and he was staring into the face of a nurse, speaking to him. From the look on her face, shouting at him. Nothing registered as the room went dark and he zoned out.

"What the hell? Kevin? Bro, wake up." Espo hadn't seen anything like that in a long time. He recognized the panic attack. He'd seen in more that he cared to remember from both newbies and veterans in combat situations. He'd had more than a moment or two of his own. To see it now, on his friend - on his brother - after just getting him back, was almost too much to deal with. He could feel his own anxiety spike. No - now was not the time. He focused on the nurse, needing something to ground him, and knowing Beckett and Castle were likely having close to the same reaction he was, they wouldn't be much help.

"BP spiked, heart rate rapid." She was slipping the oxygen mask back over his face. Kevin tried to fight if off, but Beckett was close enough to take his hands.

"Easy Kevin. Let it be. Just try to take a couple deep breaths. Just slow down. We're here Kevin. We'll work this all out. Just slow down." She was good. Javi watched his partner settle back a couple of inches into the pillows. He hadn't taken his eyes off the nurse, and it was clear the shock was still there along with the perceived lack of any control. But he wasn't twitching quite as much. He was quieting. Then Javi figured out why, as he saw Kevin fade out completely.

The nurse looked pleased. "Well, that is much better."

"Better?" Castle fought not to explode. "He's unconscious! How could that possibly be better?"

"Because, Mr. Castle, it means his breathing is slowing to normal, as is his BP. This will let him adjust to the shock. I am assuming he has figured out how long this has been going on? Yes, it makes sense he would need a bit of time to adjust to that."

Kate smiled. "Problem is, time is not something we have a lot of right at the moment."

"If you are expecting him to be able to testify, or even make a statement…"

"No, I know that is still a little way off. The more pressing issue is that his wife-" she got no further in her statement before her phone buzzed in her pocket. It was Lanie's pattern. "Is everything - oh my. That's perfect. Can I come up? Perfect. Tell her I am on my way." She was out the door before either man had a chance to ask what was happening. Javi smiled down at this partner. "Hope you're getting some rest, 'cause I think your life just got a little more complicated bro."

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tbc


	8. Chapter 8

It was much darker the next time Kevin opened his eyes. Lights had been dimmed in the room, and no noticeable light came through the window. The overall quiet was oppressive. It took only a few seconds for him to register where he was, and more importantly, why. He closed his eyes again, needing to block out the external stimuli and focus on his situation.

The ache in his head had lessened, but his shoulder was throbbing. That was nothing compared to the tightness in his chest, and he knew no medication would take that away. Six months. He had lost 6 months of his life. How did that happen? How could it? Jeremy Preswick came to mind, and he released things could be worse. That man had lost all of his memories. Even his name was gone, until the team had gotten lucky and his ex-wife had come to his assistance.

Divorced. Was that going to be his status now? She had been so angry with him, justifiably. With everything they were dealing with, he chose this time to go undercover, out of touch. And Jenny had assumed it was all because of Siobhan. Well, he had to admit, in part it was. He owed her. But he owed Jenny. Damn, why was nothing ever easy?

"Shhh. Take is easy Kevin." Beckett was at his side as soon as he spoke.

"Sorry - didn't realize I'd said that out loud."

She gave her best 'big-sis' smile. "You have nothing to be apologizing for."

"Really. Because I feel like that's all I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life."

Beckett smiled again, this time with the look that clearly said she knew something he didn't. "Oh, I think you'll have other things keeping you busy for the rest of your life. You feel up to some company?" She stepped aside, so she was no longer blocking his view.

"Jenny! Oh God. I can't believe… I am so sorry." He tried to sit up, but Jenny was at his side too quickly.

"No, you aren't supposed to be moving." She stared, disbelief still evident on her face. "You can't believe this? Kevin, I was so sure, we were all so sure we'd lost you. Don't you ever even think about doing something like that to us again." She slapped his arm lightly, then reached up, stroking his face.

"Does that mean you're going to give me another chance?" There was a teasing smile on his face, but his heart was pounding with fear at the answer. The monitor showed every beat, and Beckett stepped out to give them privacy, and to head off the duty nurse coming to see what was wrong. She also had one more thing to take care of for them.

Jenny had a million emotions running through her, but relief overwhelmed all of them. Give him a chance? How many times had she prayed for the opportunity to do just that? "Of course. But remember, you will only get about a million more of those, so be careful."

The room was quiet several minutes as they both marvelled at the simple yet amazing fact that they were together again. Jenny finally broke the silence. "I never thought I could miss someone so much."

"I'll make it up to you. I don't know how, but I will find a way."

"Damn right you will!" She smiled as she said it, but he knew her well enough to know she meant business. "We will be having a long talk about priorities Kevin. A very long talk."

He nodded, more than willing to take anything she planned to dole out, as long as it meant she was still speaking to him. He finally pulled his gaze from staring into her eyes and suddenly registered where she was sitting. "Jenny? What's wrong? Why are you in a wheelchair?"

"Nothing is wrong."

"How can you say that? Look at you. Is this my fault too?"

She grinned. "Well, I suppose you have to take **some** of the responsibility."

She was interrupted by a soft knock. "Can the five of us come in?" Castle poked his head around the corner.

Jenny nodded. "Yes, I think he's ready."

Five? Kevin could guess four with no problem, Lanie undoubtedly joining in with the team. Gates? Would she be here? He really didn't want that now. He watched as Javi and Lanie came first, smiling broadly. Castle held the door as Kate came through - carrying a baby? Wait. She couldn't have a baby. Even if those two had finally taken that step, he'd only been out about 6 months. He watched in disbelief as she handled the pink blanketed bundle to Jenny.

"Kevin - are you ready to meet your daughter?"

"Why do I never have a camera for moments like this?" Castle asked.

"What - you've had other moments like this in your life bro? Seriously?"

Daughter? His stunned stare shifted from Jenny to the baby and back again several times. He was trying to speak, but no sound came out. He wasn't sure he was breathing. He tried again to sit up but was stopped by the sharp pains. Javi grabbed at the remote and raised him to be more or less seated.

"We have to name her."

Jenny was holding the precious bundle so that he could gaze into her eyes. He still couldn't understand this. He was a father. They had been trying for so long, he was sure that it was never going to happen. And now, here he was - a father. "I'm a father." He barely heard the soft chuckles from those around him. He didn't care if they all fell on their asses laughing at him. He was a father. A little girl. A perfect little girl. He finally registered what she had said. He had known from the moment they started talking about a family what the first girl would be named. "Sarah Grace. After your grandmother." He swallowed hard. "Does that - is that…"

"It's wonderful. Do you think you are up to holding her?" He shifted on the bed, not feeling any of the pain that was so distracting a few minutes earlier. Kate took Sarah Grace and placed her gently in the crook of his arm.

"She is absolutely beautiful Kevin."

"And perfect." Castle added.

He couldn't take his eyes off his daughter. "She's so small." He marvelled at the tiny fingers as he touched her hand. "Is she alright?"

"She was a little early, and a bit underweight, but she is pure Ryan, through and through. Real little fighter we have there. She's going to be fine."

"Going to be?" His heart spiked again.

Lanie hated to be the one to break this up, but this was a rule she wasn't going to ignore. "She needs to go back to the nursery. She is under observation just to monitor things for 48 hours, because she was about 4 weeks early, but she is doing just fine." She lifted Sarah gently. "And you need more rest. Both of you."

"Jenny - you're ok?"

"Yes Kevin, I am now. Just tired, and a little overwhelmed by – well, everything."

Lanie signalled to Javi, who moved behind the wheelchair. "Come on there little mama, let's get you back upstairs to get some rest." He looked over to his partner. "Don't worry bro. I'll take care of both of them for you. Always."

Ryan watched them leaving, not able to completely wrap his mind around anything that was happening. It was all too surreal. Maybe that was because he wasn't ready to face what was real. That truth was starting to become clear to him, and it was more that he thought he could deal with. He leaned back, closing squeezing his eyes shut in a useless effort to block the images that were coming into his mind. The action was misinterpreted by the others.

"OK Ryan, you need to rest as well." Beckett reached over and lowered the bed to a prone posture. "We'll come back later to talk, after you're feeling stronger."

He gave an almost imperceptible nod. The longer he could postpone the inevitable, the longer he could pretend that his world was not going to crash down around him.

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tbc


	9. Chapter 9

Kate could see into his room as she walked down the hospital corridor. The bed was rumpled, but empty. She hoped whatever test they had taken him for wouldn't take long. The fresh coffee and still warm donuts she had as a treat for him were far too tempting to last if she had a long wait. Of course, if he had sweet-talked his way up to the maternity ward, she might be waiting quite a while. That was ok. Technically, this was official business. She was assigned to keep an eye on him, and even though a uniformed officer stood, or today sat, outside his door, she still saw that has her responsibility.

She nodded at the young officer, waving him back into his seat as she strode past, stopping in the doorway when she spotted Kevin. His chair was wheeled over to the window, where he sat unmoving, quietly staring out the window, not turning to acknowledge her entrance. She knew he'd heard her come in, and even if not, the smell of the coffee certainly would have alerted him. Still, he didn't react. The reflection he cast into the window was not at all what she had been expecting. Rather than looking like a man ready to go home to a life he had long dreamt of, he looked as if he had lost his only friend. Fear settled in the pit of her stomach. If something had happened to Jenny or Sarah, he would never forgive himself for the past months.

"Kevin - is everything alright? Sarah and Jenny?"

"They're fine Beckett. Everyone is fine."

As reassuring as that should have been, it seemed to somehow make him look even sadder.

"Brought you some coffee. The real stuff, not from here. And donuts."

"No - thanks. You have them."

"OK Ryan. That confirms the face. What's wrong?"

She was stunned by the haunted look he had when he finally turned to look at her. "Wrong? Why would anything be wrong Beckett?"

Not entirely sure of how she was supposed to answer that, she was saved the need, at least for a moment, by her cell. Seeing it was Castle, she looked back to Ryan, who had shifted his wheelchair to be turned away from her again. She answered but didn't have a chance to speak.

"You down there with Kevin? Find out what the hell he did to get Jenny so upset. She won't tell me because Sarah is in here with us and she doesn't want to be upset around her, but she's been crying and all she'll say is 'why would he do this?'."

Kate had walked toward the door to be in the hallway during the diatribe. When he finally stopped to take a breath, she was able to respond. "I thought **she** must have said something to **him.** He's down here staring out the window looking like he'd jump it if was open."

"This can't go off the rails now."

Nodding, even though it couldn't be seen, Kate agreed. "I'll talk to him. Might help if you came down here."

"Two minutes." The call disconnected.

"Was that Gates? Or IA? Who's coming down?"

"Castle. He's up with Jenny." Hearing the name was enough to trigger the start of a smile before reality crashed in on him again. "Good. When are the others coming?"

Beckett didn't answer, waiting him out. When he finally surrendered and spun back to look at her she spoke. "When the doctor says you are up to it, there will be a few questions to sort out."

The laugh he responded with had no humour. "Questions. Yeah, I'll bet. Damn shame I won't have any answers, isn't it."

Well, that was a start. "Give it some time. Your memories will come back."

"Given what I've remembered so far, I'm not so sure it that's a good thing. Although it would make the case easier. And you can stop wasting manpower having me guarded Beckett. I'm not about to run out. I do still have some sense of what's right."

"Ryan, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Can't do the time, then don't do the crime - right. Guess I'll find out how much I can handle." He pulled himself away again, seeing Castle's arrival only out of the corner of his eye. "Unless this is official business, I'd like you both to leave."

"I have an official question for you then. I would officially like to know what the hell is the matter with you? I just left the mother of your child crying and confused because apparently you don't want to see either of them again." Castle tried to keep the anger out of his voice, knowing that Ryan had been through a lot in that last little while, but they all had. Now, they needed the explanation.

The exhaustion and depression were evident as he deflated even further hearing her name. "Of course I want to see them, but it will just make it harder, for all of us. I – I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I won't do that to her. To them."

Nothing they had found indicated Kevin had been in any way unfaithful to his vows, and Castle couldn't even imagine that would have happened. "Whatever you did while on the job, she will understand. She may not like it, but she is just so damn glad that you are alive, she really isn't going to be angry too long."

"Castle's right. She may be upset about all of this, but she loves you too much to let it end things."

"They'll end when I leave them again." He could barely be heard. "Why would she forgive me for that? Please, just leave me alone. And you can send that guard home. I'm not going anywhere."

There were several seconds of stunned silence as Castle looked back and forth between the officer outside and the detective in the wheelchair, trying to reconcile what was being said. Kate just focused on her junior partner.

Finally finding her voice, she moved over in front of him. "Why would you say that? He's not your guard Ryan, he's your protection. Until we can figure out what is going on, and be sure you are safe."

"You want to know what is going on? That makes two of us. All I know is I have spent 6 months as Fenton O'Connell. Not **pretending** to be Fenton O'Connell – **being** him. I don't remember much, but I remember that. And I remember the guy is a bastard. A mobster, a criminal, and a full-scale son of a bitch."

"And he's dead." They all turned at the sound of Gates voice at the door. Castle mind briefly flashed on the question of when she got so good at sneaking up on them before registering what she said.

"Dead?"

"Yes. Media release went out a little while ago. Fenton O'Connell was a casualty in the organized crime arrest on the docks, killed by one of his own cohorts. No one will be coming looking for him, for any reason."

Beckett thought about the time and energy put into the creation of the character. "The Bureau can't be to happy with that outcome." Personally, she was thrilled that the episode was over, never to be revived.

"Actually, it was Walker's recommendation. His way of apologizing to us, and Detective Ryan, for all that happened. So, that chapter is closed."

"No." Again, Ryan's voice was almost to quiet to be heard.

"No? Are you questioning the decision of your superior, Detective?"

"Well, since I can't be a cop any more, that would mean you are no longer my superior."

"What the hell do you mean you can't be a cop?" Javi had no idea what he had just walked in on but didn't like what he was hearing.

Castle was beginning to piece it all together. "You're remembering details of the last 6 months – aren't you?" Remaining silent, Kevin nodded slightly. "Look what you did while undercover…" The response was a shake of the head, but before he could speak, Gates did.

"He wasn't undercover. Agent Walker assures me the FBI had no more idea he was alive than we did."

"So, wait? You came outta the water thinking you were Fenton?" Castle stared at him. "You became Fenton – for real?"

"And did everything that son of a bitch would do. So, all that's left to figure out is what I am going to be charged with, and how long it will be before I can see my little girl again. Not that Jenny will ever let me near her."

Gates was shaking her head adamantly. "You weren't listening Detective. Fenton O'Connell is dead. So obviously, he won't be charged with any crimes, and certainly won't be going to jail."

"Then charge me as Kevin Ryan. What difference does the name make?" He was getting angry and was far past caring who knew it.

"But Kevin Ryan didn't break any laws." Beckett argued.

"For that matter," Gates added, "we'd have a hard time proving O'Connell did. Every bit of information we've been getting from the people arrested indicated you – he – went out of his way to avoid criminal actions. They all find it rather amusing that the one guy in the gang who seemed to care about that, was the one who was killed."

"But still –"

"I am not finished Detective. Do you recall, in your time as Fenton in Chicago, stopping your associates from beating a man to death over a delinquent loan? No? Well, he does. He was an undercover police officer in an operation that went sideways, and has confirmed that without your intervention, he would have been killed. There are also reports of you – as Fenton – going to great lengths to relocate drug activity from playgrounds and convincing some of the more sadistic pimps in the area to see the error of their ways. In short, DETECTIVE Ryan, you never stopped being a cop."

"You couldn't. It's in your blood bro." Espo smiled at him.

Kate squatted down in front of the wheelchair. "When all of this started, when Jenny came to see me because she was afraid for you, I told her you were doing this assignment because, you being you, there was simply no other option. You are a good cop, and more importantly, a good man."

He looked up at the faces focused on him. They meant it. The determination, support, and to his complete shock, love that he saw coming from them was too much for him to understand, let alone accept. "But-"

"Right now the only 'butt' here is you, bro, and it is being spelled with two 't's. Stop being a jackass."

"You did nothing wrong, other than upsetting a very patient lady upstairs who loves you, despite that thick skull of yours."

He focused on Castle's words. "Can you – would you –?" Why couldn't he get the words out.

"You want her down here, or me to take you up there?"

"Think it's time I went to her – don't you?"

Javi leapt behind the wheelchair before Castle could make the move. "My partner – I do the driving. Let's go see my god-daughter."

"Wait, your what? I don't remember asking you to do that." Ryan wasn't terribly good at pretending to be upset by the notion.

"Yeah, well your memory is scrambled. Or did you forget that too?"

Kate and Castle watched the duo head down the hall to the elevator. "Feels right to have the family back together, doesn't it?"

She nodded, turning to him. "Speaking of family, I invited Alexis and Pi to join us for dinner on Friday."

"Oh now Kate, why did you have to go ruin a perfect moment?"

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The End


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